Hi everyone! Long time no write! Sorry for no new posts, i started this blog during winter break, and when school started again i kinda forgot about it. But alas i am back!

Today I wanted to write about this topic that has been on my mind for the past few days. This topic being, "when you preform badly at something youre supposed to be really good at". 

It all started with seeing this tiktok ⬇️⬇️

I couldnt help think about my writing. I've always been praised about my writing, wether it be my handwriting, or my stories, ive always been told im very good at it. So naturally, im very proud of what i write, thats the whole reason i started this blog. But when someone comes along and starts critiquing it, even when i said no, i cant help but feel... terrible? I can take constructive criticism when i need to hear it, for example from my teachers, because i know theyre there to teach me. But when it comes to others, i honestly dont want their critiques. Im showing this to you because im proud of it, not because i want you to criticize my writing. I criticize and critique my own writing already myself. Im only showing you the finished product because i have went through it countless times to make it perfect, but then you critique it? It just makes me feel like absolute crap sometimes. 
Because i get why youre saying this, i get that youre trying to teach me to some extent, but it just makes me feel like crap knowing i didnt wow you. 

my feelings about this are represented CLEARLY by this quote from the movie "Fantastic Mr.fox" =

That is so me to my writing. If i dont dazzle or wow you the first time you read my writing, i feel terrible and embarrassed. and if i do wow you, then great! But then i go down this spiral of how i could wow you even more, and i obsess and stress about it all the time. Its a lose lose situation honestly. Which is sad because i love to write. I love to create stories, characters, i love how i can put everything im feeling down on to a page, but its the fact that i need someone to justify that it is good to make me believe its good. It a neverending curse. Because even if i am preforming well at it, it doesnt feel that way, unless someone else says it too. Which leads me to my next point.

As i just said, i already dont see my writing as good. i need it to be justified by someone else. Even though i see writing as an escape, my need to impress someone overcomes all my beliefs that i am in fact good at writing. and yes its good, but its not great. Even if you do say something good, and you act like youre wowed, i think deep down that youre only saying that so you can stop reading and be over with it. Which i get, reading isnt as fun as writing it, but i think thats why i have the need to want to dazzle people so much more. So i can prove to myself that they actually like it, and arent just being nice. (Does that make sense? i feel like im just spewing nonsense) Again, a lose lose situation.

Its also not even just need validation, its the fact that i know someone is always going to be better at me at it. I understand that there is always going to be someone better than me at everything, but it just sucks to know that there is someone better, more talented, more interesting in the one thing i consider myself to be good at. This whole post might sound like im being a "pick me" and how i want attention, but i genuinely feel this way all the time. I have this weight on my chest that doesnt go away, this feeling where i should just give up since im not the best and greatest at it (which happened with my paintings). But i need to stop comparing myself to other peoples achievements and talents, because i am my own person, with my own skills, and i am still learning how to elevate my writing. 

Although, me preforming badly at it (specifically when someone criticiques anything), the need for validation, and being jealous of others can intertwine and bring me down, there is also so many reasons why i am actually considered good at what i am doing.

Being "good" at something can honestly be a curse sometimes, but theres a reason we're good at it. 

I like to think that everything happens for a reason, and whatever youre good at, theres a reason for it. With my writing, i know i hold myself to a high standard, but theres a reason i was blessed with this talent. Other than my stories, im very good at consulting people and giving advice. I know exactly what to say and how to say it either out loud or over text, because of my writng skills. I am able to write essays, emails, text messages with perfect grammar and ease, which is going to help a lot going in to my adult life. I can even build/write you a character, setting, storyline/plot, AND a great ending within 2 hours with ZERO problems.

So although it can be a curse sometimes (which is mostly at my own faults), its a massive blessing, and im glad to have it.

Conclusion

The need to impress and dazzle my readers will never not be there. I just need to learn how to not put myself down, and learn how to be proud of my work without other needing to justify it. Because, i love it, and its my happy place. 

love, maki